Skulduggery Pleasant Spoof: Dead Men to the Rescue!
by ValkyrieCain4Ever
Summary: The Dead Men accidentally run over Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. Looks like it's the Dead Men to the rescue once again. My Christmas spoof for the year!


**Hey! So this is my Christmas present to you, my amazing, awesome fans! This is probably one of the most random things I've done and I only started this last night so it was slightly rushed, but I hope you like it any way. So, Merry Christmas, or Cuanza or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate and please review! :)**

"Oh no! We killed Santa!" Dexter Vex stood next to the motionless of form of one jolly old fat man in a red suit with a white beard. Unless a fat jogger had decided to go jogging at ten o' clock at night on Christmas, eve, this guy was Santa.

"What are we going to do?" Saracen Rue cried, gripping his head, eyes wide.

"All those poor little boys and girls." Ravel murmured. "They're going to wake up and there'll be no presents, just because we thought his reindeer would make a good hood ornament."

"First of all." Skulduggery Pleasant said, his hat tipped slightly over one eye socket. "A reindeer, or _any_ deer, would not make a good hood ornament. I_ hate_ hood ornaments. They are one of the most despicable things on the planet. Second, those children will _not_ wake up to no presents."

"Why is that?" Anton Shudder asked. The other Dead Men looked over as well from watching Ghastly poke Santa with a stick.

"Because." Skulduggery looked around for something to stand on but since there was nothing but snow drifts of air so he settled on levitating. "We are going to deliver the toys ourselves."

Everyone stared at him. "Okay."

Skulduggery nodded. "Good. Now, first, we have to get rid of the body before the cops come."

"Where are we going to put it?" Dexter asked.

"Hmmmm…."

Ten Minutes Later...

"He won't fit!"

"Push harder!"

"We're trying!"

Skulduggery stood off to the side, hands on his hips as he watched his friends struggle to push Santa Claus into the culvert. He sighed as Saracen slipped and fell on his face.

Just then the familiar sounds of a siren drifted through the air and the seven men looked at each other.

"Never mind the body. Let's just get out of here."

With that, they ran off as fast as they could back to the Bentley and sped off back into Dublin. They got China's apartment and burst in. China Sorrows, as beautiful as ever, walked in wearing a silk bathrobe and raised an eyebrow at the mud splattered group.

"And what?" She said in a smooth voice. "Do I owe the pleasure of a visit from not one, not two. But _all_ of the Dead Men at this hour of the night? Did you schedule a reunion here without my knowing? Because I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I will need to kick out if that is true."

"No China." Skulduggery stepped forward and straightened his clothes. "We are here because we need help."

China raised a perfect eyebrow. "With what? Please don't tell me even_ criminals_ are trying to destroy the world on Christmas."

"Not all. See, we may have…um…. Accidentally run over Santa with my Bentley and now we need to deliver all the toys."

China blinked a couple times. "Seriously?"

"Yes."

She sighed. "Alright. Fine. Just give me a minute."

A few minutes later, brand new, temporary, symbols were carved onto each of the Dead Men. Except for Skulduggery, who was to be the new Santa. For him, China just fixed up a Santa outfit and gave it to him.

Once he was dressed, the Dead Men all looked at each other.

"What do the symbols do?" Shudder asked.

Suddenly, with a puff of smoke, all six of them turned into reindeer.

China smiled. "If I ever thought there would be a day that would come where I turned the legendary Dead Men into reindeer, I'd have thought myself a raving lunatic. But here it is. I still think this is a dream but, oh well. I think you can find a sleigh of some kind down at the Christmas store but if you don't, just knock down a few trees and make one yourself. Now, good night."

About twenty minutes later, the group had gotten a sleigh and Skulduggery was attempting to harness in his friends.

"Erg! Shudder, you and Ghastly have to go in the back. You two are the biggest."

"Hey!" Shudder snapped. He stamped a hoof. "I'll have you know, I have not gained weight like Saracen there." He jerked his head towards Saracen, who was trying to scratch his ear.

Skulduggery sighed. "Fine. Ghastly, you and Saracen get in the back. Then it'll be Shudder and Ravel, then Dex- wait, where's Dexter?"

They all looked over and saw Dexter surrounded by female reindeer. Saracen face-hoofed. "Oh come on! Even as a reindeer he gets the girls? How is that even_ possible_?"

"Well," Dexter called over. "I do have swag!"

Skulduggery sighed, walked over, grabbed him by the antler and dragged him over to the others.

"Wait a second." Ghastly said.

"What?" Skulduggery asked.

"Who's going to be Rudolph?"

Everyone stopped and looked at each other. Then Saracen kicked Dexter in the face.

"Ow! Hey! What was that for?" Dexter looked at his now-red nose.

"There! Now we have a Rudolph!" Saracen said cheerfully."

Dexter scowled. "Not cool man. Not cool."

Saracen and the others laughed.

Skulduggery shook his head and harnessed them all in, Dexter taking the lead. The skeleton then climbed in to the sleigh with the toys they stole from Santa's_ real_ sleigh. He snapped the whip. "Mush!"

"We aren't sled dogs!" Ravel said.

Skulduggery whipped him.

The others quickly put it together that if they didn't move they were going to end up the same way. So they started to run. At first it didn't work, they just dug into the snow.

But after a couple minutes, they managed to start to run across the ground.

"How do we fly?" Saracen asked.

"Easy!" Skulduggery flexed his fingers and they lifted up. "See. It's the same as me just flying. Only a bigger objects. Or objects."

"So, where do we head?" Shudder asked.

"First house we see. Now MUSH!" Skulduggery snapped the whip once again.

They flew through the air for a few minutes before coming along to a house. All most crashing into the side of the home, they landed on the roof. Skulduggery slid of the sled and fell on his face. He scrambled back up but slipped once again. He growled and settled for crawling up to the chimney while his friends snickered. Skulduggery glared.

"I'd like to see you try to walk on a slippery roof."

"Um, Skulduggery." Ghastly said. "We're the ones who landed on the roof. We were kind of forced to walk on the roof."

"Shut up." Skulduggery hauled himself up onto the chimney and looked down into the darkness and let him-self drop.

"OW!" Skulduggery stood up grumbling, rubbing his back. "Stupid bricks."

He looked around for the Christmas tree and saw the brightly lit mass of twigs and needles in corner.

"Bingo." Skulduggery crept over, all stealthy, and stopped next to the tree. He went to reach into his bag and stopped. He forgot the bag.

Skulduggery swore and smacked his hand into his face. How could he be so stupid? He crept back over the chimney and sighed.

After he had managed to climb back up, he saw his reindeer still standing where he had left them. They watched him silently as he approached.

"You forgot the bag." Dexter said.

"Shut up."

Skulduggery grabbed the bag, went down the chimney, shoved some toys under the tree then wrestled the bag back up.

This routine was the pattern they had settled on for the next few hours. They landed on another roof and Skulduggery went down the chimney, landing with another yelp of pain.

"Oh come on! Seriously? Why can't someone put a butt cushion down? Is that too much to ask? One person even had the fire_ on_. Seriously, what's_ wrong_ with these mortals?"

Skulduggery stood, brushing himself off and looked up at the two wide-eyed children in pajamas.

…

"Ugh. I'm so tired."

"Shut up Dexter. If Saracen isn't complaining, you can't either."

"Well I may not have gotten out of shape, but I am still tired."

"Yes, because moving your legs then standing still is _sooo_ tiring."

"It is! Come on Shudder, you have to admit it's true."

The reindeer had noticed that Skulduggery was taking longer than normal at a stop so, being good friends, they unhooked themselves and started to argue.

Shudder snorted. "No way. It's all you Dexter."

"Shut up Shudder. Ghastly will take my side, right Ghastly?"

"I'm staying out of this one." Ghastly said.

"Traitor." Saracen mumbled.

"What was that?" Ghastly growled.

"Nothing."

"That's what I thought."

"He called you a traitor!" Dexter called.

Saracen kicked him off the roof.

Dexter screamed as he flew towards the cement walkway. He screwed his eyes shut and prepared for his body to smash into tiny pieces but instead of cement on his head, he smacked into the window.

His leg had tangled in the Christmas lights on the way down and he was swung into the window. Looking through, he got a nice view of the shot gun pointed at his face.

….

Skulduggery froze. The older child was a girl, only about eight years old. Her younger brother was around five or four. They stared at him with wide eyes.

"Santa?" The little boy said.

"Uh…." Skulduggery began. "Yes….."

"Why are you so thin?" The girl asked.

"And where's Rudolph?" The boy added.

"And where's your beard?" The girl said.

"And why are you a skeleton?" The boy asked.

As soon as those words were out of his mouth, the two children's eyes widened and they screamed. A second later a man appeared carrying a shot gun, a woman beside him.

There was a loud _smack_ and they wheeled around to see Dexter pressed against the window, one of his hind legs tangled in Christmas lights. The man aimed his shot gun at Dexter's head. Skulduggery could hear Dexter screaming.

….

Dexter quickly put together what was going to happen and started screaming. "PULL ME UP! PULL ME UP!"

The others were peering down at him from the top of the roof. They shook their heads. "Naw."

Suddenly, a gust of wind swept him up and over the edge of the roof. Luckily, his fall was broken by the others.

…

Skulduggery quickly put what the man was about to do together, so he swung his arms and a large gust of air shattered the window and Dexter flew from sight. He hurried back up the chimney, shoved the reindeer back into place, and jumped into the sleigh. "MUSH! MUSH! MUSH!"

"Wait!" Saracen called. "What about the presents?"

Skulduggery cursed and jumped up then grabbed some random toys and chucked them down the chimney then scampered back to the sleigh and they shot off into the air.

"Who's next?" Ravel called.

"Um…. That house." Skulduggery pointed at a house and realized they were in Haggard.

They landed on the roof and he hurried down the chimney. After another five minute rant about butt cushions, Skulduggery looked around and realized he was in Valkyrie's house. He dug through the bag and put the things around the brightly lit tree. There were a lot of socks, he noticed. After he was finished doing that, Skulduggery thought for a moment then snuck up the stairs and entered Valkyrie's room.

Valkyrie was sprawled out in her bed, her hair was sprawled over her face and she was snoring quietly. Skulduggery got a thought that would shame Santa, and snuck up to her. He cocked his head, thinking hard. Then he had it.

….

When he got back to the sleigh, he was glad to see his reindeer still in the same place and behaving.

"What took you so long this time?" Ghastly asked as they took off once again.

"Oh, I just, maybe left something 'special' for Valkyrie."

"That's real mature."

…..

A few houses later, Skulduggery got into the living room and stopped. What the-?

The living room was barely furnished, with only a TV, armchair and coffee table. The rest of the room was taken up by a giant time-locked cage with a rampaging vampire inside.

Skulduggery froze up for a second, then took a closer look at the alabaster creature and noticed a distinct scar cutting across its face.

"Dusk?"

The vampire hissed, reaching through the bars, trying to get to him. Skulduggery looked at the 'Wheel of Fortune' box set in his hands, then back at the vampire and set the object on the ground then backed slowly back to the chimney and scrambled up it.

Saracen looked up from where he was scratching his head with his back hoof. "Why do you look so scared?"

"Dusk likes Wheel of Fortune."

Everyone stopped their conversations and looked at him. Then started laughing.

"Yeah. You laugh now, but wait until you come face-to-face with him. Then are you going to laugh?"

…

If that wasn't weird, the next house was even weirder. It was actually an apartment building, and it was on the third floor Skulduggery found himself climbing through a window.

He went over to the small tree and started to lay out the presents when he heard someone approach from behind.

"Santa?"

Expecting a repeat from the night before, Skulduggery turned and was quite surprised to see Billy-Ray Sanguine and the now-possessed Tanith behind him.

Sanguine was wearing only blue boxers while Tanith was wearing red pajamas with sheep on them. They stared.

"Skulduggery?" Tanith asked in disbelief.

"Sanguine? Tanith?" Skulduggery said in equal surprise.

"What are you doing here?"

"Long story. Uh, I think this is yours." Skulduggery took out a new sword sheath and handed it to Tanith. "And this is yours." He gave Sanguine a book on straight razors.

They looked at each other.

"Bye." Skulduggery scampered back up the chimney. He looked at the reindeer. "Don't ask."

They continued on, until the presents were all gone and they went back to China's. China was awake when they got to her apartment and Skulduggery passed her a small box. "Merry Christmas!"

China raised an eyebrow as she opened the box to reveal a necklace. "Thank you Skulduggery. Apparently that was _not_ a very odd dream that was brought on by too much eggnog. You can tell the others the symbols will wear off soon and the _real_ Santa Claus has just come staggering down the street, wondering where the bag of toys went. I told him what happened and he his off back home. Good job Skulduggery, you have done a job barely anyone thinks is real. And Merry Christmas as well."

Skulduggery nodded and he turned back to go home.

….

Valkyrie woke up the next morning and screamed. The world's most creepy clown doll was only three inches from her face and only when Valkyrie stopped hyperventilating, she saw the note that said _'Merry Christmas!' from, Skulduggery. Aka, Santa Claus._

Valkyrie sat up, her eye twitching. "Skulduggery is Santa Claus?"


End file.
